At the great risk of sounding like a bitter singleton, I’ve opted to focus on the not-so cute and adorable aspects of settling down with a partner. After doing a bit of thinking/ reminiscing/ research, here are some of the things that I found couples tend to do in relationships…
1. Run out of conversation
Sitting in silence, oblivious to the fact that most of the surrounding tables in the restaurant have commented on how neither person has said a word to each other since the waiter took your order– not quite the way you had envisioned life together now is it? Quick, think of something to talk about for the love of God..
2. Break up when you visit IKEA
Those big yellow letters, the sight of them promises as much bad luck for couples as spotting a magpie does for the rest of us. The treacherous maze of furniture that those evil Swedish carpenters put customers through is just cruel. It’s no surprise that couples are usually ready to kill eachother by the time they reach the check-out line. There’s really nothing that can be done to lift the IKEA curse on couples, I say just stick to Habitat– it’s far more civilized.
3. Take holiday pictures in which the lower half of your faces are cut off because no one else was around to take the snap
Flicking through ‘romantic holiday’ snaps on Facebook is pretty amusing. For each tourist spot they visit, couples take one photograph of the pretty scenery, then each takes one of the other standing alone in front of the pretty scenery and lastly, holding the camera up in the air, they smush their faces together and take the ‘we’re happy’ shot in front of the pretty scenery. Half of someone’s face is missing everytime.
4. Gain weight
At the beginning, the girl likes to show how domestic she is by cooking for her new boyfriend. The fact is, when she was single, her diet consisted of sashimi, lettuce and the occasional chocolate Hob-Nob binge followed by a punishing session at the gym. So when she starts cooking all sorts of boy-friendly recipes (carbs, carbs & more carbs) and “tasting” half the meal before it reaches the dinner table, within several weeks her skinny jeans surprisingly don’t fit the way they used to. As for him, it’s quite simple really– he stops going to the gym. Why should he? With a girlfriend in the bag, he no longer needs the strength to go out hunting for the female species; better off in front of the telly with a Doritos multi-pack.
When the relationship reaches a more comfortable stage; the girl is no longer bothered to pretend she came from a family of culinary talent and he is no longer bothered to pretend he likes her cooking, then comes the dinner of compromise; chinese takeaway. Reluctantly meeting eachother halfway on the choice of cuisine (she wanted sushi, he wanted Indian) the couple starts to make an all too frequent habit of ordering the unidentifiable meat dish coated in a bright orange, syrup-based gloop, complimented by the deep fried special of the day– just perfect for piling on the pounds.
5. Tell Each other Little White Lies
“I wasn’t picking my nose, I was just scratching it.”
If he were alone he’d be making the choice between eating his nostril findings or wiping them on the house pet.
“I would still love you if you didn’t have a job”
Puhh-lease! Are you really going to fall for that one? There’s nothing less attractive than a man who sits at home all day plotting world domination (Call of Duty). To keep our respect (and without respect there is nothing), he’s got to have ambition that reaches beyond the furthest levels of his Playstation games.
“Yes, I’m listening”
The truth is, women like to talk and men hate to listen. The sooner we realise this the better. No, he doesn’t want to hear your exaggerated, one-sided stories about the Machiavellian office politics that go on at your workplace. Fact: he will never care or have any sort of opinion about whether your hair looks better with or without highlights.
“I’m not being manipulative!”
That’s us being manipulative. We’re really good at it.